Episode 11 · Duration: 12:41

About this episode

What starts as a Mountain Dew at an 8 a.m. high school class quietly becomes a caffeine tablet addiction that costs one woman her relationship, her pregnancy, and her sense of self. This is the confession nobody expects — because the drug nobody takes seriously ended up being the one that took everything.

What You'll Hear in This Episode

• How caffeine tablets became the hidden addiction nobody around her recognized
• The moment a pregnancy ultimatum forced an impossible choice — and she chose wrong
• Why Narcotics Anonymous became her recovery community — and what happened when she told them her drug of choice was caffeine
• How grief and loss became the catalyst for real change
• The slow, quiet road back to school, stability, and self

Key Takeaways

• Caffeine tablets are a largely unregulated, over-the-counter drug that can fuel serious addiction
• Panic attacks, sleep disorders, and nightmares can all be direct symptoms of caffeine dependency
• Caffeine during pregnancy carries serious risks including miscarriage
• Recovery communities work — even when the room doesn't immediately take you seriously
• Addiction doesn't require a socially "hard" drug to destroy a life

Who Should Listen

• Anyone using caffeine tablets or energy supplements daily
• Young people or parents of teens relying on caffeine to get through school
• Anyone who has dismissed caffeine as "not a real addiction"
• Those in recovery from any substance who also consume caffeine heavily

Resources

• 🌐 Visit us at https://linktr.ee/UnwiredLife
• 📖 Confessions of a Caffeine Addict by Marina Kushner
• 📩 Share your own caffeine confession: https://linktr.ee/UnwiredLife
• 🛒 Live Unwired Merch: LiveUnwired.org

Transcript

I got pregnant. I knew high doses of caffeine could be dangerous for a baby, but I didn't know how to quit. I had been on caffeine tablets daily for over 3 years. I still was as immature as I had been in high school, but Derek had moved on. He wanted a baby, so he gave me an ultimatum: stop taking caffeine tablets or he would leave me. I loved Derek. But somehow caffeine meant more to me. I could imagine my life without Derek, but not without caffeine tablets. Listen, we all talk about the grind, but most of you are subsidizing your hustle with a chemical loan you can't pay back. In this new series, Unwired, we aren't just talking theory. We're going into the dirt with 40 anonymous stories of people who thought they were using caffeine to be superheroes, only to realize it was the very thing dismantling their health and their marriages. This is the case study of the hidden tax on your ambition. Hey everyone, welcome back to Live Unwired. I'm Al Kushner, and today we're diving into one of the most raw and honest confessions in this entire series. This one starts in a high school hallway and ends somewhere nobody expected. Before we get into it, if you've ever told yourself, it's just caffeine, it's not a real drug, this episode is going to challenge that. Let's get into it. This confession begins in high school where caffeine showed up not as coffee but as Mountain Dew from a vending machine. Struggling through an 8 AM calculus class in a windowless school that used to be a prison, a 20-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew became the daily ritual. Grades went up, Social life improved. Caffeine felt like the solution to everything. Then came the tablets. Caffeine tablets. Cheap, potent, easy to hide. A full bottle kept nearby at all times. A boyfriend got addicted too. Money was being spent to fund both habits. Panic attacks started. A sleep disorder set in. Waking up with nightmares on nights without tablets. Family tried to intervene. Home life unraveled, school attendance dropped, jobs were lost. All of it quietly connected to one chemical. Then came pregnancy. Knowing caffeine was dangerous for a baby but unable to stop. A partner gave an ultimatum: the tablets or him. This Confession chose the tablets. He left. A miscarriage followed in the first trimester. That loss became the turning point. Narcotics Anonymous meetings followed. And yes, when the drug of choice was announced as caffeine, people laughed. But this confession kept going back, and eventually they stopped laughing. Devil's chemical. During my junior year at high school, I started using caffeine tablets. I needed to stay focused so I could pass my SATs. I had no intention of staying on them after the SATs, unaware of how addictive Caffeine these tablets were, I used them daily. I had a weekend job, so I could buy them without my mother's knowledge. After school, I hung out with my boyfriend Derek or with friends. When I got home at night, I took a caffeine tablet and began studying. Sleep was not a significant factor. I allowed myself only 4 hours of sleep. In the morning, I took another tablet to stay focused in school. Fridays, I went out with Derek and friends. Saturdays I always had a hangover and slept until the afternoon. Then I went to my job at Kroger. Sundays I got up early to go to work again. I usually worked overtime since I needed the money. Caffeine tablets are not cheap, but I felt I needed them to do well in school. I did not realize that I had become addicted. The night before the SATs, I stayed home studying. I took 4 caffeine tablets and didn't sleep at all. When it came time to go to school, I took 2 more tablets. I was jumpy, shaky, but awake. During the second hour of the test, I couldn't focus or keep still. The proctor asked me if I was okay. I told him I was just a little nervous. When the third hour rolled around, I could not focus well enough to answer the questions. The test was over, but I still kept taking the tablets. I also began to drink coffee every morning, during breaks in school, and each afternoon. By now, my mom noticed a change in my attitude and behavior. She thought I had a drug problem. I couldn't deny it without admitting my addiction to caffeine. So I played along and went to drug addiction meetings. I was still taking caffeine tablets, but it was less noticeable because I avoided my house as much as I could. I would stay out all day and come home at night. My mom worked night shifts, so it was easy to avoid her. I also took more shifts at work, partly so I could afford my tablets. I got Derek addicted to caffeine as well. It felt good to be able to share my secret with someone. He was unemployed, so I was paying for his addiction too. During the summer after my junior year, I tried to quit. I couldn't. Summer was over and I wanted to buckle down and do well. Although I was still under the influence of caffeine, I was improving my grades, getting all A's and B's. I wanted to go to college and my grades were very important to me. I made friends with exchange students and that improved my French. My mom and verbally abusive stepdad divorced, but he still lived with us. This was one of the reasons I did not want to be home at all. I spent most of my time at the house of a new friend. Sometimes I stayed in Derek's apartment. Then things started falling apart. My mom and stepdad remarried and he started acting like my guardian again. To avoid him, I was always at my friend's house. But after learning about my caffeine addiction, she began to avoid me. Derek's apartment was always open, but I did not like his place. So I had to stay at home. Mom was delighted, but I was not. I stayed in my room most of the time trying to avoid comments about my behavior and questions about my problems. My sleep disorder was one. I couldn't sleep. I went for one evening without taking any tablets but still woke up several times during the night with nightmares. I could not— Quick pause for a second. If you're hearing yourself in this book, I built two things to go deeper than this audiobook can. First, there's Unwired, a caffeine cessation app where you can track your own withdrawal timeline, sleep, mood, and crashes day by day. And inside Unwired, you can work one-on-one with a coach who actually understands caffeine addiction and will walk you through a real plan instead of you guessing alone. The waitlist link is at the very top of the description. Second, there's the Unwired podcast, built around 40 real caffeine case studies. Students, parents, founders, night shift workers, walking through the same crashes you're hearing about right now. The link is right next to the app. If you want more than information, if you actually want a plan, a coach, and stories that feel like yours, hit those links, then come right back. Not taking the caffeine tablets. If I had enough strength, Derek would never have let me. He appeared to have become more addicted than I was. He came to my house daily to ask for more tablets. I'd give them to him willingly because he was the only person who shared my addiction. I found an inexpensive way to feed my addiction. I'd buy Folgers. My mom, she got the whole month off from her job and was always at home, noticed how much coffee I was drinking. I'd come downstairs at least 10 times a day to fill my coffee mug. I started having panic attacks. I did not know I was suffering from an anxiety disorder related to my caffeine intake. My mom was concerned about my coffee addiction. She also found caffeine tablets in my room. I knew I should be prepared for some sort of intervention from my family. One day when Derek drove me home from school, I saw my stepfather's sedan in the driveway. The only reasons I could think of why he would be home at this hour were that either he had been fired or that he was preparing for the ambush I was expecting. I told Derek I wanted to go to his apartment. I stayed for 2 nights. When I got home, my stepdad was lying on the couch. He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Since his cancer was detected early, he should be okay. I thought his diagnosis would take the focus off my addiction. However, 2 days later, my mom cornered me while I was getting my 3rd cup of coffee. After a brutal argument, I left. I wasn't planning to return. I stayed with Derek through the end of high school. I made it into a local college but rarely attended classes. I was still taking caffeine tablets. My poor work habits finally got me fired from Kroger, so I went to work at Burger King. A year after graduation, I got pregnant. I knew high doses of caffeine could be dangerous for a baby, but I didn't know how to quit. I had been on caffeine tablets daily for over 3 years. I still was as immature as I had been in high school, but Derek had moved on. He wanted a baby, so he gave me an ultimatum: stop taking caffeine tablets or he would leave me. I loved Derek, but somehow caffeine meant more to me. I could imagine my life without Derek, but not without caffeine tablets. However, I couldn't raise a baby alone, and I was raised to be against abortion. I told him I would quit. But I could not. One day he caught me with the tablets. We had a fight and he tried to grab my tablets. I don't know why, but I simply couldn't give them to him. His face changed. Overwhelmed with rage, he said exactly what he thought of me. Everything was over between us. Luckily, my mom had left her door open. I went to live with her. But I did not stay long. During the first trimester, I had a miscarriage. In a way, I was relieved. I couldn't take care of a baby. I couldn't even take care of myself. The miscarriage transformed me. It became clear that I had to make serious changes in my life in order to move forward. I began attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. At first, when I explained that my drug of choice was caffeine, the others made jokes. To this day, it is hard for people to believe that caffeine is a drug. I kept going to the meetings anyway, and they stopped joking. I'm back in school now. I live with my new boyfriend and frequently visit my mom. Her support helped pull me through. This confession is a reminder that addiction doesn't always look like what we imagine. It can start with a vending machine in a high school hallway and quietly cost you everything: a relationship, a pregnancy, a career. The chemical doesn't care how it gets in. It just stays. If you made it this far into "The Truth About Caffeine," you already know this isn't just about coffee. It's about your nervous system, your sleep, your anxiety, and your life. If you don't want to do this alone, that's why I built Unwired. Inside the Unwired app, you can log your last caffeine use, track withdrawals, sleep, mood, and energy over days and weeks. See your own nervous system reset instead of hoping it's working. And get matched with a coach for one-on-one training so you're not white-knuckling this by yourself. Alongside that, the Unwired podcast walks through 40 real caffeine case studies. People who went from just coffee to energy drinks and pills and then back out. You'll hear their mistakes, relapses, and what actually worked. Both links are at the top of the description. Join the Unwired app waitlist for coaching and tracking. Listen to the Unwired podcast. Save this audiobook, send it to one person who needs it, And if you're stuck in that daily 2:00 PM crash, come do this with us inside Unwired, not just in your head.